Fallen off the Blog Wagon!

I fell off the blog wagon big time! Just so much to do - I will try to jump back on. There have been multiple occasions over the past several weeks where I have thought "I will write about this..." yet I haven't made the time. What's been happening? Well, we are all so busy with work, and life. I find it hard to arrive at the balanced spot where I am working - living - loving - being active - learning - growing. I will figure it out thought. More later --

Blackbird (The Beatles)

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Love is a Gift, Love is a Tragedy

Love - that most perfect of emotions. So wonderful, so warm, a feeling like no other. We all want to be in love. But what about the other, darker side? Full of sharp edges, love can rip us to shreds on any given day.

Love is a gift the universe bestows on us that is to be cherished. Our lives are enriched by feeling that unique bond between ourselves and another. We should do everything in our power to nurture the feeling, protect it, preserve it, let it flourish, grow and last.

Sometimes we don't choose to do that. Sometimes a human will say to another "I love you but I can't be with you." This is almost worse than saying "I don't love you anymore, I have fallen out of love with you". It is like saying "Yes I have this perfect gift of caring so deeply and wonderfully for someone, but because of my circumstances, or obligations, or even my own insecurities, I choose to let that love go".

That seems a tragedy to me. To let go of love, to purposely turn your back on someone that loves you back serves no purpose except to leave a little chunk of the universe grayer and darker. I understand, sometimes things are just too damn hard to make it work. Sometimes the moment is too tough to get through. But, my belief is, it's always worth the struggle to try.

Because, even if falling in love in the first place seemed easy and natural, falling back out of love is not going to be. It's going to hurt. It will leave an indelible stain on your heart and there are all kinds of raw edges left when a heart is broken. And, speaking from the viewpoint of someone currently not IN love, it doesn't always necessarily come along so easily. Love is a rare, precious thing we are given, not all of us ever find it, ever! I have been in love, and I want so much to experience that again in this lifetime. Of course, I have deep love for my children and love some of my friends, but I want to be deeply and wonderfully in love.

Seeing others choose to discard love for reasons that don't quite make good sense makes me so sad for us all. There is power in love, great, awesome power. A human buoyed up by love can do triple what they could on their own, there is just terrific energy and power behind that emotion. I wish I could whisper in the ear of those making these sorts of choices, let them know that a big slice of humanity has had love and lost love, and would give anything to have it again. I would tell them to treasure their love, and the person that loves them. To do anything within their power to preserve it -- so precious it is.

Take care, humans, love one another, and if you are so fortunate to be in love, treat it with care.

An historic day

Everyone and their mother will be blogging about Obama's historic inauguration today. It is truly moving to be part of this bit of history, such a long time in coming. I do believe that Martin Luther King is most assuredly looking on from wherever he is, with such pride and love and a big smile on his face. We did it!

A great day indeed. But this is just the very tip of the iceberg of fixing the giant mess we have made of things. I can say is I am very thankful that Obama is now our president, I am hopeful that if anyone can rally us into a positive direction, it will be him. The energy at the inauguration, even via television, was palpable! So let's take this positive energy wave and ride it. Let's not concentrate on what is wrong, let's concentrate on what is right, what we can do right, what we can turn around in the right direction. We are still a country of incredible resources and talents. A country rich in diversity and now, more than ever, tolerance and love for one another, for our differences and uniqueness as well as our strengths and characters. We can all be empowered to rise up and out of our circumstances, to take the reigns and ride to where we want to be, and to SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER as there is always strength in numbers and power in unity.

But what of the individual? How do I personally take action? I can spend my time looking up to our new President and his efforts, waiting for the change to come, or I can get going myself. What can I do? I can be mindful of my own personal economies, spend wisely and be thrifty. I can extend a hand to others less fortunate, not just in the easy ways like dropping off clothes at Goodwill, but in the harder ways too. I can volunteer my time. I can give of my money as freely as I can to worthy charities. I can make a difference in subtle ways, by looking a homeless person in the eye and treating them with the dignity and respect we all deserve. I can stoop over and pick up the piece of litter I see laying on the side of the road. I can stop and help an older person navigate a difficult door or carry a package.

These are the things I DO try to be mindful of already, but it's oh so easy to get wrapped up in our own affairs and forget... yes forget, and to be selfish and self absorbed and self concious. In my last post I wrote of figuring out what my dream is and living it. Perhaps the way to get to that vision is to look outwards rather than inwards. Let this be the year of the anti-self for me. Let me reach out to others, and in doing so I believe I will enrich myself, truly become myself, and make a difference along the way.

And at the end of the day, let me always remember to count my blessings - for I am blessed - and to tell the people I care about that I love them SO MUCH! As the song says, the ones I love are the wind beneath my wings.

My perfect day?

Seems like everyone is writing about their perfect day. I want in on this action! Truth be told, I don't have a very well-conjured up image of that day in mind. Maybe part of that is due to being in a sort of transitional phase these days. I feel I am on my way to a new episode in my life, and I am not quite sure what it will all be about yet.

My daughter would probably tell me I better get sure, and I better start imagining it if I want it to be reality. I think that she may be right on that count. That is part of the crossroads I find myself at now. With 2 grown children out the door, all of a sudden my very purpose in life, my reason for being, my inspiration for making the "right" choices... all of it has changed. Who is Donna? (Besides the Queen) What does she want for herself? What are her dreams and desires?

I would say, very definitely, the dreams and desires of my youth have changed. I would say that I am excited about this next unknown chapter of my life. I have a rediscovered sense of freedom that is a bit foreign and hard to embrace, and even somewhat scary in it's magnitude. But - embrace it I must.

And still - the practicalities of all these years as the single mom have ingrained themselves pretty deeply into my soul.

"I can't move somewhere new, what about my kids, I would miss them!" "I can't travel, it's too expensive and what about my job?" "I can't change careers, it would be like starting over." "I can't go back to school and learn something new - it would cost too much and be an insurmountable challenge." Oh, and let's not forget... "I can't seem to lose these stubborn 20 pounds, no matter how hard I try."

I can't I can't I can't. Well, I guess I really can't if that is my attitude, can I? I will take my wise daughter's advise and change my thinking. I will spend some time envisioning what I want for the 2nd half of my life. Then I will reflect on how I can go about making that vision reality. I will practice positive realization techniques of believing in myself and my dreams and my desires. It's time. It's MY time, and if I don't take these steps, then I can't expect a single thing to happen, can I?

Meanwhile.... I must say, as hopeful and excited as I am about my future and my perfect day that exists there, I have already had a few perfect days in this lifetime. If I were to die today, I would not feel cheated. I have loved, enormously, deeply, and completely, and I have been loved back. I have experienced the joy of my daughter and my son, I have watched them grow. I have seen them shine and seen them struggle and overcome. I have had the proudest moments a parent could ask for, and the tenderest moments and the most heart-wrenching moments as well. I have felt their pain as deeply as my own, maybe deeper. In addition to that, I have seen places and met people and experienced moments that took my breath away. I have traveled far and wide, I had a huge sense of freedom when I was young and have had more adventures than many folks.

Reflecting back on so many experiences, the ones that stand out as crystal clear perfection may surprise you. From my own childhood - sitting in a grassy field at the edge of the woods, holding a buttercup under my little brother's chin. Collecting sacks of freshly fallen horse chestnuts on a brisk fall day. Catching frogs in the little babbling brook at camp. Building a raft with my dad and sailing it completely around the island our camp sat on. These cherished memories are tucked away but vivid still. And each one of them was a small slice of perfection.

From my adulthood - the memories that seem most perfect are certainly not the ones that are most grand. A simple afternoon at a lake with Natalia and Andy. Natalia is about 11, Andy is 6 or so. We have a new puppy named Baby Ruth. The lake in question was actually a crappy little lake in a crappy little town, but the sun was out on a winter's day, and the kids were happy, SO happy, and the dog was happy and so was I. I remember Natalia wearing tall white boots outside of her pants. I think she felt very stylish in them. Andy was a little guy then, a sensitive fellow, and so eager to please. Poor Baby Ruth ended up dying not that long after that day. And we got another dog and had more fun days. That day wasn't extraordinary for any particular reason, but it felt so right, so perfect, like it was living proof that we were a happy, healthy little family and that we were going to make it.

Another unlikely yet perfect day - We were building our house. An unexpected turn of events meant I needed to clear the wooded area in the front of the property very quickly. The entire project was being done on a hope and a dream anyway, with very little resources and a tight budget, money was a real issue. So, I took Natalia out of school for a day, took a day off from work, and rented a chainsaw. Natalia and I worked our tails off all day long. She was a little trooper, we both worked really hard. It was TOUGH labor, clearing, cutting and hauling cedar. We walked up and down the hill of our property so many times that day! We were filthy, hot, tired, and hungry, scratched, dirty and sweaty. But by the end of the day we had such a feeling of accomplishment, and success, and we felt really united. I had asked her to do something beyond her normal capabilities. I had asked myself to do something beyond my normal capabilities. We did it, together. It was very empowering. That night, after baths and food, we were two tired puppies, but just all grins. We congratulated each other and ourselves. We did it! That was a perfect day too. A perfectly hard day, but perfect.

Another, more recent memory - this time Natalia wasn't along. But Andy and I went on a roadtrip to Tennessee. The first night we stayed in a motel in Memphis. The next night we arrived in Chattanooga and got to the campgrounds where we would be staying for several days. The park was almost empty during the week and we had a splendid spot right on the water, very isolated and very beautiful. Before nightfall we sat on a bench at the water's edge and watched the sun go down. We saw a crane flying low over the lake as the sun set. We called Natalia and spoke to her for several minutes on speaker phone together. We so wished she was with us, sharing the experience, but we also knew if she was she wouldn't have been happy. (she's not a camper) Later on, we had a fire, and cooked sausage that we wrapped in white bread, making sandwiches. It was quite possibly the best meal I have ever eaten. That night we stayed up late gazing into the campfire and listening to music. Later, we lay in the tent. Andy was on an old Army cot and I was on an air mattress. We had sleeping bags but it was too hot and muggy to use them. We listened to the wildlife chatter around us and talked, then drifted off to sleep. That entire trip is one of my most cherished memories and that particular day was perfect. As perfect as I could ever wish for.

I think these are the small perfections, the small hand of a child taking yours as they look up trustingly into your eyes, the special glance between two lovers across a crowded room - their eyes speaking a language of love all their own, a mother and daughter crying and laughing over a chick flick together, comfy together on the couch, a grandson hugging his aging grandparents, they recalling him as a baby boy yet now he is bigger and stronger than both of them. And waking up on any given day, full of hope and love and ready to embrace the future, ready for love and success and perfection, and full of the belief that it is yours to have. This is perfection.

I will spend time envisioning my future, embrace it and make it real. I will search for my dream and a perfect day. But I think perfection has already made itself known to me - I am so blessed.